Thursday, October 30, 2008

How to Prepare Food in Moscow

It came as a delightful surprise yesterday when I discovered that my local supermarket stocks baked beans. I say baked beans, when, in fact, the were fasol' belaya v tomatnom souse; although the were in cans with pictures of beans and tomatoes on them; so I crossed my fingers, and threw half a dozen into my shopping basket.

Back at home, eggs poaching, toast toasting, and a pot heating to precisely the right temperature for warming baked beans -- and I discover that my flat doesn't have a recognisable can opener. There is something in my kitchen drawer that I recognise as possibly being designed for opening cans, but it wasn't designed in such a was as I recognise it.

I examined the device for some time, held it against the can at various angles, like an excerpt from the Karma Sutra of food perpetration, but I couldn't access my baked beans. I knew that wishing for an instruction manual would be hopeless; if there had been one, it was lost by the time Stalin came to power.

Lunch proved to be lighter than expected. Additionally, I still don't know for sure that what I bought were actually baked beans.

It may or may not be worth noting that I used a certain amount of artistic license with my above description of toasting bread. I don't have a toaster, nor do I need one. I'm sure that the Russian version of Cludo replaces the candlestick with a small loaf or brown bread.


Cage said...

Im not sure i understand...the russians dont have candles either, and light their houses by setting fire to small loaves of bread?

O Graeme Burns said...

What? No! One of the weapons in Cludo is a candlestick, which, if it is revealed to be the weapon of choice for the alleged assailant, is assumed to be used as a blunt object, employed for murderous bludgeoning. I was trying to imply that a typical loaf of Russian bread could be used for similar means.

Cage said...

OH. See i didnt find the connection between the first and second sentance. I assumed you had problems finding a method of successfully turning the bread into toast, rather than having problems finding toastable bread.